This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
