Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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