So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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