did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
