i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
