I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
