apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
