I think my fart just growled at me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
