6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
