Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
