My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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