If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You are a genius and a whore.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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