Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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