1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
