I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Randomize
