yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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