It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Sober January is a disaster.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
