If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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