Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
