This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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