Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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