Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Of course I have a pirate flag
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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