we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
