cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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