My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
