I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
