Well douche your snatch and let's go!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
