better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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