overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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