is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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