Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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