dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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