I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
