vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
