"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
