OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My balls are so social today.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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