I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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