My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
