Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It all started with a game of naked twister.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize