I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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