well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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