I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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