3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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