I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
