You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
