If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
