Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Someone signed my nipple.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
