3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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