Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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