my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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