fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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