He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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