I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
