Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
