remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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