They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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