Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
