Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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