i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
