Michael Bay diarrhea
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
