I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
