apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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