That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
