is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
