its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
