I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize