FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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