Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We need a shit load of segways right now
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Randomize
