my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I lost the right to judge tonight
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
